Now That’s What I Call a Bad Idea: Volume 2

This is the “long-awaited” second list of bad ideas from waaaaay back when. Enjoy.

  • Fire-Retardant Charcoal Briquets
  • Collapsible Cribs—Save space! Warning: may crush baby
  • Rocket-Powered Big Wheel
  • Head Cheese
  • Sharpie Brand 44 Magnum Marker in 5 new scents!
  • KidsCo Little Tyke “Junior Home Smelting Kit”
  • Anything directed by Uwe Boll
  • Do-it-Yourself Breast Implants
  • Single Use Dentures—Never Brush again!
  • Gasoline-Powered Wireless Phone—40 minutes to the gallon!
  • “Tuna-Safe” Dolphin Jerky—Now in Teriyaki Style!
  • Sony Blu-Ray/Betamax/MiniDisc combo player
  • The Dust Brothers “Unplugged”—Only on VH1!
  • Titanic II: Back from Davy Jones’s Locker!
  • Pack-a-Potty-in-a-Purse

The Dr Pepper Tower

As many of our friends and family know, my brother and I love Dr Pepper. Yes, we drink other things too, but the DP dominates our beverage intake. When we go grocery shopping, we buy six, nine, or twelve twelve-packs of the stuff. For several months now, we have not bothered to throw away our “fridge packs.” It started off innocently enough; we just left a few at the top of the stairs that leads down to the garage. Trash always goes out through the garage anyway, so it seemed natural. However, we somehow never got around to throwing the things away. And so the pile grew.

We made plans to throw them away, but it just didn’t happen. It got to the point that I didn’t want to throw it away. I wanted to take a picture to commemorate the auspicious achievement. Indeed, we even took some pictures; but the stack continued to grow. It took on a life of its own, reaching to the ceiling in not just one row, but another. Soon its powers grew further. It attracted other wayward boxes. Fortunately, our slovenly secret was hidden from the view of guests by a door.

With its height came arrogance. It thought itself capable of overpowering its creators. Alas, that hubris was defeated by nothing more than air.

As I sat in my room, I heard an unusual cacophony, lasting no more than a couple of seconds. Fireworks? Perhaps a bizarre bit of thunder? I go to my door to ask Chad; his look is grave. He had opened the door leading to the garage to see if he had forgotten to turn off the light. When he closed the door, the rush of wind knocked down a portion of the tower.

Realizing the time had come, we knocked down the rest, flooding the bottom of the stairwell with a sea of red boxes. We don’t have an exact count, but the total is somewhere around 50 boxes, which represent 600 delicious cans of Dr Pepper. We then sat on the stairs and folded up all of the boxes. We ended up stuffing the folded boxes into intact boxes, six in all, which are now sitting neatly outside our garage awaiting pick-up tomorrow morning.

Now That’s What I Call a Bad Idea: Volume 1

This is the first in a series of lists. Enjoy.

  • Trying to catch scissors in your mouth
  • Gluing your lips together
  • Sending threatening messages to the president
  • Pearl Harbor II: Onward to Korea!
  • Frosted Flakes: now with free ninja kit, complete with two throwing stars
  • Telling your wife what you really think of her mother
  • Cybernetic ass implants with auto-jiggle
  • Breaking up with someone by changing your MySpace relationship status (true story!)
  • Revolving toothbrush holder
  • Midget/Elephantitis porn
  • Nuclear go-cart
  • Gold-miner’s milk: now with potassium cyanide
  • Keep out Old Man Winter with an Old Navy Asbestos pullover!
  • Pearl Harbor III: Peace in the Middle East